Thursday, December 03, 2009

Bartering; or, What I Really Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written to you in a long time but this year I really, really want something, and I was hoping you could put in a good word for me.

I know, I know, when people ask me what I want for Christmas I usually tell them I want an iPod touch, or a copy of My Fair Lady, or Lego Rock Band or maybe even just a pair of fuzzy socks. Because you know how I love my fuzzy socks.

But that's not really what's at the top of my Christmas list this year.

Santa, this year I would like a firstborn child. I know it's a huge responsibility. But I'd take care of it myself. (Shallow Man would help.) And it's not just a toy, either. It's incredibly versatile. You can trade it in or sign it away for just about anything.

Or so I'm told. Because right now all I've got to barter with is that old standby, the pint of blood. Which is great and all, but I think I'd like to upgrade.

See, a lot of my friends have one. Some of them even have second-borns, you know, like as a back-up. And I want to be one of the cool kids. You know, because everybody's doing it.

I know some people might just ask for a positive pregnancy test, but I'm asking for the end product right now. Just to be safe. Because I had a whole bunch of positive tests back in May which say I should have 8/9ths of a firstborn right now. But apparently there was a recall on that particular model last July (and the same thing happened back in 2007 as well, if you remember), and I'd just rather not go through that again.

If you decide to give me an iPod touch as well, I won't complain, because it would be nice to have some tunes to listen to during all those sleepless nights, or at least to have one thing that will stop making noise at the time I designate, and where the only part that involves "changing" would be batteries.

But I'd rather have the firstborn child, if it's all the same to you. Heck, I'll even offer you a pint of blood and a . . . well, make that two pints of blood.

Respectfully and very hopefully yours, etc.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

That has got to be the best letter to Santa ever!

Vanessa said...

I hope you get your Christmas Wish, I know it is more than a Christmas Wish, but I know you would make a wonderful mother. It is people like you with your loving and nurturing desires that make me want to be a better and more loving mother.

Lost in Translation said...

Santa, I can vouch for this one. She's one of the good ones. I will forgo an iPod touch for Elizabeth's cause.

MotherAtHeart said...

a beautiful Christmas wish, i hope your prayers are answered. i know i'll be wishing for the same thing someday

elliespen said...

Thanks, all, for your comments and support. (Although I think maybe you should be wondering a little bit more about my fitness to be a parent, having just read about all my bartering plans...)

Welcome, MotherAtHeart. I'm always curious to know how new people found my blog. It's exciting to have more than seven readers!

Katie E. said...

I love you, elliespen!

And to Santa, a little nib would be a blessing to one and all. And elliespen would only barter in the direst of situations--really she knows the value of a first-born child. This is a Christmas wish that really, really should be granted.

With love,
Katie
aka Naturally Caffienated.

Tina said...

I loved your letter. It was so heart felt and beautiful. What a perfect wish and such a righteous desire. I too hope your Christmas Wish comes true. You are Wonderful!!!