Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Well, first off, I'm okay....

Have you ever noticed how, whenever something not-that-great happens, most people will begin telling the story to their friends, neighbors and relatives by saying, "Well, first off, I'm okay..." It's always spoken in a slow, deliberate, attempting-to-be-soothing tone: I'M OOOOOO-KAAAAAAAYYYYYYY, with the last syllable rising up slightly like a question. (I'm Okay? Right? Did you get that? Me? Okay? Yes?) This is invariably followed by a very pregnant pause.

It makes whatever comes after that seem worse than it may actually be. Anything you say after that will sound ominous.

"Well, first off, I'm okay... but I couldn't find the flavor of Goldfish crackers I wanted in the store today."

"Well, first off, I'm okay... but we need a new couch because the one we have now is screwing up our backs."

"Well, first off, I'm okay... but the glass pan holding the enchiladas for dinner just exploded." (This actually did happen once, but that's a different story.)

"Well, first off, I'm okay... but our house just burned down."

See what I mean? Even the goldfish scenario there was giving me goosebumps of dread. What happened? Did you fall to the floor with grief and hit your head because there were no Parmesan Goldfish? Did the Rainbow Goldfish jump off the shelf and try to jump down your throat, nearly choking you and causing you to pass out from lack of oxygen and fall to the floor and hit your head? Goldfish may be synonymous with concussions for me from now on. I may never be able to go down the cracker aisle again without hearing the Jaws theme in my head. FOR PETE'S SAKE, WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE GOLDFISH?!?!?!

I don't know why we do it. Maybe we're worried that someone may not realize that we're obviously not dead if we're telling them the story of our terrible Goldfish tragedy. In essence, it's like saying, "First off, he wanted to get to the other side... but why did the chicken cross the road?" Spoiling the punchline.

And yet I can't count the number of times I've said it this last week. Now that a bit of time has passed, I figured I could (and should) blog about this, although the photographic evidence for the sad tale is not yet available...

So what is this sad tale?

Well, first off, I'm okay...

To be continued...

5 comments:

Daring Young Dad said...

The suspense!!

I'm glad you're okay.

That One Erin said...

Please, please post the rest! We're dying here! We gotta know!

Love,
Erin and Katie Bills (short for Williams)

gryffinkat said...

Aaargh! You're so mean!!! I can't believe you would do this to us. You're killin' me, Smalls!

Anonymous said...

I need to know how you survived this apparently traumatic experience.

Just so you know, I'm earnestly awaiting...

Margo

Not Too Pensive said...

I KNOW what happened, but I'm still waiting on pins and needles for the post here! C'mon and throw me a bone!